What's in a name?

A lot.  In my mind, names can be a blessing or a curse.  It's something that you speak over someone every day of their lives and in a sense declare it over them.  I am not writing this to criticize anyone for their name or name choices.  This is just a strong conviction that I have for my family.

My name is Shaloma.  It comes from the Hebrew word shalom (שלום) which means: "Peace, wholeness, safety, prosperity, wellness, to restore..."

My husbands name is Nathan.  It is also a Hebrew name (נטהן) which means: "He (God) has given" or "He will give."   The popular translation is "Gift of God."

We named our first son Ezekiel (אזקיל) which means: "God will strengthen" or "Strength of the house".
His middle name is Manuia which is a Samoan word meaning: "blessing, peace, grace"
His personality lines up very well with his name.  He is a tough boy with so much heart and cares for the people around him.  His mind is strong and he can focus intently on tasks that would make my mind feel crazy!

Our second son is Isaiah (ישייה) which means: "God is Salvation" or "Salvation of the Lord".
His middle name is Tumau which is a Samoan name meaning: "to stand up/to stand firm"
God has recently shown me how much the word salvation means love.  Or how great love is to save to the extent that he has and wants to do for people.  Isaiah is a bundle of love.  He hugs and loves constantly!  He gives kisses and still at 21 months old, loves to just rest on my chest with his head on my shoulder and hug me for minutes at a time.  He looks you in the eye and has the most tender of hearts.  He also knows what he wants and stands firm in it.  He is a very decisive little bugger sometimes.

We obviously put a lot of thought into our kids names.  When it came to naming our little girl we had a couple names picked out from right around the time that we found out we were pregnant.  Our understanding of the meaning of the name was that it meant "princess of the Lord" or "daughter of the King".  However, after doing a ton of research, we found that it means: radiance in Russian, Shining/flower or beauty/light in Arabic, I saw one site that said it means princess in American. It's across the board.  We finally decided that we needed to be ok with what ever it actually means considering that all things seem positive and go with it the way that God gave it to us.

Last May I had been reading a book called Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge which was amazing.  God was showing me a side of being a woman that I had never allowed myself to embrace.  I went on a long run from home down the interurban trail.  It was raining and when I had run about 4 miles I noticed a name etched into the cement on a corner that I had run on for years.  This was obviously very old etching and it was the first time I had seen it.  The name caught my eye.  I will reveal it in a minute. I continued running for another few miles and felt led to pray Psalm 23 into my and Nathan's life. As I was praying this, I saw a vision of Nate and I on a hill.  It was a stormy, cloudy day with the wind barely blowing.  We had conquered the hill together.  Nathan was holding a long sword out with a strong stance. One hand on the sword and one arm back as though he was protecting me. Eyes fixed forward as if he was defending what had been conquered.  I was beside and slightly behind him wearing a long flowing white dress. Obviously dirty and torn from battle holding a small dagger with my eyes fixed on the offending party.
The feeling I got from this picture for me was that I can be rugged and beautiful.  I can battle in a dress and be graceful and beautiful and strong and a threat.  That Nathan and I can and do work together and that it had to do primarily with spiritual warfare.
At this point in my run I ran another mile or two and turned around.  I was praying about what I had seen and again passed the etching on the sidewalk.  When I was about a mile from home I saw a homeless man up ahead on the sidewalk in an area that was a bit secluded and started feeling a little nervous.  Mostly because at that point I was exhausted and he had looked up and taken an interest in me.  At least enough of one to stare as I was running toward him.  As I got close, he stepped back and took a very royal bow toward me as I passed.  I felt like God had spoken to me at that very moment.  I am his princess, I can and will defeat the enemy and He made me to be rugged and beautiful.  I am a daughter of the king.

Later that night I asked my sister if she had heard of this name that I saw etched in the sidewalk and without hearing my story she responded by saying that she though it meant "princess of God" as she was going through all her knowledge of Hebrew words and trying to put it together for a meaning.  Come to find out that it doesn't mean princess of the Lord....  If the first letter of the name was changed from a "Z" to an "S" then it would mean princess of the Lord.  However, I felt strongly that she needed to have this name that God showed me on my amazing run that left me feeling very empowered as a woman and a mother and feeling somewhat capable of raising a daughter now that I knew what my place was in the eyes of the Lord.  Nathan and I have discussed it and discussed it and decided together about a week ago that this is what she needed to be named.  There was no other possibility for her and we need to trust that His intentions are met with the meaning.

So the name...

The second part is the middle name which I have loved ever since I saw it the first time.  The Samoan word for Warrior.  How fitting with the vision that I had at the time that I saw the name etched in the ground.

Our beautiful daughter is to be named:

Zariyah Toa Allen

A name fit for the beautiful daughter of the King that she is and will always be.  We are so excited to have a little girl join our family and we are excited to see the personality that God has chosen for her.  We are honored to be entrusted with her care.

It's hard to see, but this is the etching in the cement from my run.  I went back several months later to take a picture. 

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Happy 30th Nathan!

In honor of my wonderful husband Nathan's 30th birthday I thought I would share some of the many amazing things about him.

- He chose to marry me!!!! For this, I am forever grateful.

- He is an absolutely wonderful Dad and role model for our two beautiful boys.

- He loves me and supports all my crazy needs for exercise

- He hangs out with the boys so I can go out with friends and so I can train for my marathon.

- He works 40+ hours a week so that we can have food in our bellies and a roof over our heads and never ever complains.

- He believes that being a stay-at-home-mom is a full time job and respects me for what I do with the boys.

- He still looks at me like I mean the world to him.

- He gives great hugs.

- He loves what I cook for him.

- He puts up with my rambling graciously and is a great listener. =)

- He loves God and tries hard to lead our family toward Him.

- He is strong and handy.

- He is pretty stinking handsome for a 30 year old!!!

Some of his accomplishments this year (forgive me if I can't remember all of them, I was pregnant half the year after all):

- He lived through my 3rd trimester with Isaiah.

- He was the only one present during Isaiah's birth and he did an absolutely amazing job. He was calm and in control the whole time. Hands down the best birth partner anyone could have asked for. He caught Isaiah! What a MAN!!!

- He took us for a couple amazing camping trips.

- He kept his job through a huge amount of layoffs from his employer.

- He was promoted at work.

- He did the "whole30" challenge with me an made it all the way through!

- He designed and built a very handsome fence gate for our backyard.

- He (along with our brother-in-law) fixed our broken sewer pipe.

I am really so thankful for being Nathan's wife and being able to spend all my days with him. He is a wonderful gift from God. Thanks Tino & Donna for raising such a wonderful man.

I love you Nathan!

God is good

Let me say that again... God is GOOD! This year He seems to be making every effort to grab my attention and bring me back to a full and amazing relationship with Him that I have let go astray the past few years.

We recently started going to New Hope Church... Well, I guess the first service we went to was a random visit in August, but in December we decided that we wanted to call it our home church. What an amazing group of people. Every time we go, people search us out to talk to us and help us feel welcome. The congregation is small which is perfect for us. The most amazing part is that every week, it seems like the pastor wrote the sermon just for us. The subjects are always exactly what we are going through at the moment or contain answers to discussions we have been having. God knows what we need and has been faithful to provide.

God is putting several amazing women in my life to encourage me in my faith and my calling. Some of them don't know how instrumental they have been in reminding me of where I was and where I should be now in my relationship with God. I'm so thankful for all of you who listen to what God is instructing you to do and say. You and your willingness to be a vessel for God have impacted my life and I'm sure many others. God will bless you for your faithfulness.

One major lesson I'm learning right now is how important it is to pray. For those of you who know me well, you probably thought I already knew that right? Well, I guess knowing and acting are two different things. As I said earlier, I've let my relationship with God go astray for the past few years, but recently I've started challenging myself to pray more. I would like to announce that after two weeks of praying more, my relationship with my husband has improved and my desire for God has increased. I've been challenged to start praying for people too... this in the past has always made me nervous. I feel extremely vulnerable when I pray out loud and I don't like vulnerable situations. I still feel extremely nervous when I do, but I know God is with me and wants to challenge me so that I can grow.

The hard part with this new emphasis on the greatness of God is that I start noticing how not-great I am. My current thoughts are focused around how I discipline my kids, planning meals, shopping for groceries, joy (or a lack of joy), my body (weight, fitness level, etc..), and being faithful with the little things. All of the above mentioned things are areas where I feel that I have failed miserably. Which makes me feel irresponsible and unfaithful. If any of you are people who pray, you are welcome to include me in your prayers surrounding the above subjects. I am a thinker so this is where my thoughts will lay for the next few weeks while I try to figure out how to change my my outlook. I know the first thing to tackle is joy. James 1:3 says:

"Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

As they say, "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" I realize that I set the tone for the family so I need to make sure I can find joy in God without depending on my circumstances providing it for me.

Discipline is something that has been tough. You read parenting books, but remembering all the instructions during real life is hard. I need to have a sit down with Nate to decide on a method and stick to it.

My body is a tough one. I believe that keeping my body fit is an act of worship to a point. God gave us our bodies as "temples" to house Jesus in our hearts. Therefore, we need to keep our bodies in good shape to honor Him. I'm trying... I started training for a marathon, but suddenly I started getting all these injuries and the past two weeks I've been unable to train because my joints are killing me. This is extremely frustrating. I kind of feel like it's an example of how I act in general... I don't ease into things (unless it's a new group of people, but that's another issue), I tend to jump in head first instead of starting slow and making sure that I'm following God's will for my life. I'm also a pretty independent person so having something like running is a great way for me to have time for me. I feel so much better mentally when I run, but my body is not on my side.

Planning meals and grocery shopping are hard ones for me. I want so desperately to feed my family healthy foods. I primarily buy organic and try hard not to eat processed foods or many sugars, but this is a very expensive way to eat and I'm not a very organized person. I tend to get overwhelmed with the idea of grocery shopping and have a hard time sticking with meal plans which often makes food go to waste which causes even more frustration. I need to figure out a system and stick with it.

As for being faithful with the little things, I think this sums up all my problems. In the end, I feel like I'm not a very responsible person. As a wife and a stay-at-home-mom, I have automatic duties: Cook, clean, create structure for the kids, be joyful and stay healthy. I don't think I routinely do any of these things. I will for a while and then let it go. I have a long list of reasons why I can't get things done, but in the end, if I was at a job outside the home, none of those reasons would matter to a boss. I just need to do things instead of dreading it or feeling like I deserve a rest. My kids mean more to me than that and so does the sanity of my husband, myself and my kids. So now, I need to process all this and make a plan to change. Then implement the change and stick to it. I need to make it a lifestyle. I know I can do it because I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Thanks!

In regards to my last post, I want to say thank you to all of you who made comments. After re-reading my post I realized that I sounded a bit whiney... that wasn't my intent. I think sometimes it's so easy to post all the wonderful things that are happening in life that it's nice to be honest at times. Not that the nice things aren't honest, but life isn't always perfect. I agree with all of you. I am to hard on myself. I do have wrong expectations on who I am to be as a Mom. I think most of what I need is a mind set change. That can be really difficult.

We just got a new dishwasher and 2 loads later, the dishes feel manageable. Nate and I have talked about adjusting responsibilities while I'm pregnant and continuing to revisit our list of chores and responsibilities so we can continually function as a team as my body grows and I can't accomplish as much as before. I also discovered this blog that has some good tips on how to keep a clean house. I haven't started implementation yet, but I'm working toward it.

Zeke and I have gone on a couple walks this week. Zeke loves his kids hot chocolate at Starbucks! I know, I'm bad for getting him hooked early, but it's such a fun treat on a cold walk.

All in all, I feel better. I think my hormones are on a roller coaster ride and it's hard to keep up. Thanks again for your kind words. Hearing what you had to say helped jolt me out of my hormonal downswing.

Thoughts

Here's a picture for kicks... We haven't uploaded any since we've been back so this is one of me and my crazy kid at the Honolulu Airport.

Life update

Lately I've been thinking a lot about motherhood. Wondering why I haven't found my place yet... (part of that could be because I'm pregnant and more emotional/hormonal than I remember being when I was pregnant with Zeke... could that mean girl??? Who knows). I have been thinking a lot about the things that I can't do now that I have a 1 year old and am pregnant with baby #2.

I can't run

I can't go out with my husband whenever I want

I can't shower in peace

I can't eat everything I want to eat

I can't have my 1% no whip mocha from Starbucks

I realize that with all this focusing on what I can't do, I'm missing out on the things I can do... or at least, not enjoying them as much as I could.

Here are some things that I can do:

I can go for bike rides with Zeke

I can take Zeke for walks

I can shower my son with hugs and kisses :)

I can try to be organized (this is my biggest problem area)

I can be thankful that we have a roof over our heads and food for our bellies.

I can still get comfort drinks from Starbucks, just no coffee.

I think I'm going through pre baby blues... I don't know if there is such a thing, but I'm mostly pretty down in the dumps. The best times for me are the times I get to be outside. I think I feel like I'm different than most Moms because of this. I have a hard time relating to other Mothers that I know because I have a hard time crafting, I don't read books as often as I'd like, I'm not organized as I should be at home, I really hate doing dishes and the proof is in the pile currently sitting in my sink. I love going for adventures. I love hikes, I love walks through downtown, I love biking, I love running and I want to be able to share the things that I love with my kids. I think it's difficult looking around at other Moms feeling like maybe I'm not giving up the right things in my life. Maybe I should give up the things that I love and focus more on things like crafts and cooking (and actually doing the dishes). I believe that my lack of productivity has a lot to do with my being outside too much. I remember when I was a kid I would go outside on my bike and attempt to ride as far away as possible so I couldn't hear my Mom when she called me to come back in. Of course I was to scared to actually ride that far away and I always ended up hearing her, but sometimes I pretended I couldn't because I really loved the outdoors. Maybe it's because I'm avoiding the dishes?

This week, Zeke and I have been sick. It started with Zeke, then it passed to me. It's been a bit of a struggle because the weather has been so mild to be stuck in the house so much has been tough. We have gone for walks the past few days just to get some fresh air, but it's hard feeling sick and taking care of a sick kid. Tonight for the first time in a week, I'm going to attempt to go to the gym... I'm still a little sick, but no fever just a head cold I think. I also won tickets to the Upfront Theatre for this weekend so Nate and I were able to get a babysitter (thanks Jem!) and are going to go on a date for the first time in forever!

In other news, the pregnancy is going well so far. I am 18 weeks and a couple nights ago Nate actually felt the baby kick! It was like a ninja kick to the abdomen soon after Nate put his hand there. He actually pulled his hand back and said "whoa!!" in surprise after the ninja kick. I'm glad he felt the baby so early. With Zeke I don't think I felt his kicks until after I was 20 weeks and it was several weeks later for Nathan. I think it was a pretty special treat for him. :) I also feel like my belly popped out yesterday... I actually thought for a while that I could feel it growing... strange, but today I'm obviously bigger. I've still only gained 10 lbs... I gained that weight right away so I was pretty nervous about how much I was going to gain with this one. I think I'm safe. Nate and I have our anatomy ultrasound February 10th and I'm pretty excited to see our little ninja. I was having a hard time a few weeks ago and started trying to convince myself that we should find out if we're having a boy or a girl. I feel a little better about not finding out again since we started talking about baby names, but I'm still a little bit undecided. I really liked having the big surprise revealed when Zeke was born, but this time I almost feel like I would rather be a little more prepared. We'll see... knowing us, we'll probably still not find out until the end, but if we choose to find out instead, we'll give you an update on February 10th.

That was a whole lot of rambling. If you made it to the end then thanks for listening. Again, I'm pretty sure this is all emotions from my overflowing hormone bank that seems to be taking over my life. I just wish it wasn't so hard to feel victorious and try to overcome when my hormones are kicking my butt!