Here's a picture for kicks... We haven't uploaded any since we've been back so this is one of me and my crazy kid at the Honolulu Airport.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about motherhood. Wondering why I haven't found my place yet... (part of that could be because I'm pregnant and more emotional/hormonal than I remember being when I was pregnant with Zeke... could that mean girl??? Who knows). I have been thinking a lot about the things that I can't do now that I have a 1 year old and am pregnant with baby #2.
I can't run
I can't go out with my husband whenever I want
I can't shower in peace
I can't eat everything I want to eat
I can't have my 1% no whip mocha from Starbucks
I realize that with all this focusing on what I can't do, I'm missing out on the things I can do... or at least, not enjoying them as much as I could.
Here are some things that I can do:
I can go for bike rides with Zeke
I can take Zeke for walks
I can shower my son with hugs and kisses :)
I can try to be organized (this is my biggest problem area)
I can be thankful that we have a roof over our heads and food for our bellies.
I can still get comfort drinks from Starbucks, just no coffee.
I think I'm going through pre baby blues... I don't know if there is such a thing, but I'm mostly pretty down in the dumps. The best times for me are the times I get to be outside. I think I feel like I'm different than most Moms because of this. I have a hard time relating to other Mothers that I know because I have a hard time crafting, I don't read books as often as I'd like, I'm not organized as I should be at home, I really hate doing dishes and the proof is in the pile currently sitting in my sink. I love going for adventures. I love hikes, I love walks through downtown, I love biking, I love running and I want to be able to share the things that I love with my kids. I think it's difficult looking around at other Moms feeling like maybe I'm not giving up the right things in my life. Maybe I should give up the things that I love and focus more on things like crafts and cooking (and actually doing the dishes). I believe that my lack of productivity has a lot to do with my being outside too much. I remember when I was a kid I would go outside on my bike and attempt to ride as far away as possible so I couldn't hear my Mom when she called me to come back in. Of course I was to scared to actually ride that far away and I always ended up hearing her, but sometimes I pretended I couldn't because I really loved the outdoors. Maybe it's because I'm avoiding the dishes?
This week, Zeke and I have been sick. It started with Zeke, then it passed to me. It's been a bit of a struggle because the weather has been so mild to be stuck in the house so much has been tough. We have gone for walks the past few days just to get some fresh air, but it's hard feeling sick and taking care of a sick kid. Tonight for the first time in a week, I'm going to attempt to go to the gym... I'm still a little sick, but no fever just a head cold I think. I also won tickets to the Upfront Theatre for this weekend so Nate and I were able to get a babysitter (thanks Jem!) and are going to go on a date for the first time in forever!
In other news, the pregnancy is going well so far. I am 18 weeks and a couple nights ago Nate actually felt the baby kick! It was like a ninja kick to the abdomen soon after Nate put his hand there. He actually pulled his hand back and said "whoa!!" in surprise after the ninja kick. I'm glad he felt the baby so early. With Zeke I don't think I felt his kicks until after I was 20 weeks and it was several weeks later for Nathan. I think it was a pretty special treat for him. :) I also feel like my belly popped out yesterday... I actually thought for a while that I could feel it growing... strange, but today I'm obviously bigger. I've still only gained 10 lbs... I gained that weight right away so I was pretty nervous about how much I was going to gain with this one. I think I'm safe. Nate and I have our anatomy ultrasound February 10th and I'm pretty excited to see our little ninja. I was having a hard time a few weeks ago and started trying to convince myself that we should find out if we're having a boy or a girl. I feel a little better about not finding out again since we started talking about baby names, but I'm still a little bit undecided. I really liked having the big surprise revealed when Zeke was born, but this time I almost feel like I would rather be a little more prepared. We'll see... knowing us, we'll probably still not find out until the end, but if we choose to find out instead, we'll give you an update on February 10th.
That was a whole lot of rambling. If you made it to the end then thanks for listening. Again, I'm pretty sure this is all emotions from my overflowing hormone bank that seems to be taking over my life. I just wish it wasn't so hard to feel victorious and try to overcome when my hormones are kicking my butt!