Here's a picture for kicks... We haven't uploaded any since we've been back so this is one of me and my crazy kid at the Honolulu Airport.
Life update
Lately I've been thinking a lot about motherhood. Wondering why I haven't found my place yet... (part of that could be because I'm pregnant and more emotional/hormonal than I remember being when I was pregnant with Zeke... could that mean girl??? Who knows). I have been thinking a lot about the things that I can't do now that I have a 1 year old and am pregnant with baby #2.
I can't run
I can't go out with my husband whenever I want
I can't shower in peace
I can't eat everything I want to eat
I can't have my 1% no whip mocha from Starbucks
I realize that with all this focusing on what I can't do, I'm missing out on the things I can do... or at least, not enjoying them as much as I could.
Here are some things that I can do:
I can go for bike rides with Zeke
I can take Zeke for walks
I can shower my son with hugs and kisses :)
I can try to be organized (this is my biggest problem area)
I can be thankful that we have a roof over our heads and food for our bellies.
I can still get comfort drinks from Starbucks, just no coffee.
I think I'm going through pre baby blues... I don't know if there is such a thing, but I'm mostly pretty down in the dumps. The best times for me are the times I get to be outside. I think I feel like I'm different than most Moms because of this. I have a hard time relating to other Mothers that I know because I have a hard time crafting, I don't read books as often as I'd like, I'm not organized as I should be at home, I really hate doing dishes and the proof is in the pile currently sitting in my sink. I love going for adventures. I love hikes, I love walks through downtown, I love biking, I love running and I want to be able to share the things that I love with my kids. I think it's difficult looking around at other Moms feeling like maybe I'm not giving up the right things in my life. Maybe I should give up the things that I love and focus more on things like crafts and cooking (and actually doing the dishes). I believe that my lack of productivity has a lot to do with my being outside too much. I remember when I was a kid I would go outside on my bike and attempt to ride as far away as possible so I couldn't hear my Mom when she called me to come back in. Of course I was to scared to actually ride that far away and I always ended up hearing her, but sometimes I pretended I couldn't because I really loved the outdoors. Maybe it's because I'm avoiding the dishes?
This week, Zeke and I have been sick. It started with Zeke, then it passed to me. It's been a bit of a struggle because the weather has been so mild to be stuck in the house so much has been tough. We have gone for walks the past few days just to get some fresh air, but it's hard feeling sick and taking care of a sick kid. Tonight for the first time in a week, I'm going to attempt to go to the gym... I'm still a little sick, but no fever just a head cold I think. I also won tickets to the Upfront Theatre for this weekend so Nate and I were able to get a babysitter (thanks Jem!) and are going to go on a date for the first time in forever!
In other news, the pregnancy is going well so far. I am 18 weeks and a couple nights ago Nate actually felt the baby kick! It was like a ninja kick to the abdomen soon after Nate put his hand there. He actually pulled his hand back and said "whoa!!" in surprise after the ninja kick. I'm glad he felt the baby so early. With Zeke I don't think I felt his kicks until after I was 20 weeks and it was several weeks later for Nathan. I think it was a pretty special treat for him. :) I also feel like my belly popped out yesterday... I actually thought for a while that I could feel it growing... strange, but today I'm obviously bigger. I've still only gained 10 lbs... I gained that weight right away so I was pretty nervous about how much I was going to gain with this one. I think I'm safe. Nate and I have our anatomy ultrasound February 10th and I'm pretty excited to see our little ninja. I was having a hard time a few weeks ago and started trying to convince myself that we should find out if we're having a boy or a girl. I feel a little better about not finding out again since we started talking about baby names, but I'm still a little bit undecided. I really liked having the big surprise revealed when Zeke was born, but this time I almost feel like I would rather be a little more prepared. We'll see... knowing us, we'll probably still not find out until the end, but if we choose to find out instead, we'll give you an update on February 10th.
That was a whole lot of rambling. If you made it to the end then thanks for listening. Again, I'm pretty sure this is all emotions from my overflowing hormone bank that seems to be taking over my life. I just wish it wasn't so hard to feel victorious and try to overcome when my hormones are kicking my butt!
7 comments:
Oh my! I think you also are suffering from post-vacation syndrome:) I know we are! You probably weren't asking advice from your mother-in-law?! Please don't compare yourself to other moms! You didn't like doing dishes before babies and you never will! Same goes for crafts! That isn't you and we all love you the way you are! You seem to have a picture in your mind of what a mom should be and you are being way too hard on yourself. You will be able to do all those things you are missing again - I know that doesn't help right now! Zeke loves the outdoors like you do - so just bundle up and get out of the house - does he still enjoy the jogging (walking fast?!) stroller? Nathan will do the dishes:) We all know you love Zeke and baby #2 and wouldn't change that for the world - don't be afraid to ask your family & friends when you need to get out of the house alone - or with Nate. You will get through this - you are doing great with Zeke! You are a wonderful mom - don't talk yourself out of that one! Too many eye witnesses:) Thanks for the new baby updates! I know Tino & I won't be back till June, but we will be wanting Zeke for overnight stays LOTS and we will be very available for babysitting both of our grandchildren as much as we are allowed:) So just hang in there for a few more months! Love and prayers, Donna
I would like to second what Donna said. Actually, I would have liked to say it first, but she beat me to it! Haha! Anyway, you are an amazing Mom! There are more important things in life than dishes so don't beat yourself up over it. I say go enjoy the weather while you can, there will be PLENTY of rainy days to do dishes. I am looking forward to out next date! I love you, Shaloma. Keep up the great Mothering and remember, you are NOT like other Moms and that is a good thing!
~Bets
Hang in there Shaloma! We all love you, and you know you are worst enemy for critiscism(well at least I know I am for myself!) You are a great mama! You have a wonderful husband, awesome son, and amazing family to surround you!
Shaloma, I just want to give you a hug! I would love to talk to you about this sort of stuff sometime. My biggest challenge being a mom, is that I absolutely hate being stuck in a house all day long. give me the great outdoors and sunshine! I'll even go out in the freezing cold and rain.
I have come a long ways, but I still get down when I can't just go out when I want to.
I have never felt like a normal mom, far from it. I don't think it's about being a normal mom, but rather the mom my kids need. God made you unique not only for your husband, but for the children you will raise. You're not like other mom's because your children need the mom that God is shaping in you.
Evolving as a mom, can really hurt sometimes. We realize a lot of things about ourselves, and we have to do things we don't want, and never thought we would want to do. It really can hurt! It's hurt me more than I care to say, but in a good way because I've ended up growing as a mom every time.
That doesn't mean I will ever scrapbook or sew my own clothes because I don't think I ever will! haha.
Anyway, I really just wanted to say that I know how you feel and I pray that you are refreshed. :)
Candice
Shaloma, I can definitely understand the hormones and all the thoughts of how life will change with baby #2... all of which are totally normal! Each mom is unique and I think it is wonderful that Zeke and this new baby have a mommy who wants to be outdoors and have fun instead of sitting inside worrying about the dishes and what to clean. Your whole family is better for it and before you know it, you will be ready to take a run (literally) to Starbucks again!
Shaloma I have to say that I love your outdoor loving, thirst for running and don't ever be anything less (I think we all have our mom statues and throw them into the fire).
Shaloma, I am not sure if this comment will be read since I just discovered your post and it's already a few days/ weeks old.
I just wanted to say that I relate in so many ways. I do my best in being a good mom to Emma but most of the time I have the feeling I am failing. Whenever I go to the playgroups and look at other moms and how they just do stuff, craft etc with their babys I feel like my Emma is missing something. I do go for walks with her and I love it and I am sure she loves it too. But I am at work 3 days a week and I had to do that since she was 4.1/2 months old. Obviously I failed her from that moment on. Now, the days when I am at home, I just want to go for a coffee, meet some of my girlfriends and have a chat...do things i used to do before Emma. I tend to take my friends to this coffee places where there is a play area so Emma can play with other kids and toys, but sometimes i have this feeling that I am being so selfish, I am doing all these more for myself than for Emma. I feel like such a bad mom. I love Emma more than words can tell, but I am trying my best to fit the old"me" into this new"me". I am not pregnant so I can't blame these feelings on hormones unfortunatelly!
I am sorry to crush this on your blog, but I have been feeling really guilty and reading your blog, believe me or not, it made me cry. You would think that after 18 months someone should have figure it out how to be a mom and how to do all those things that moms do with their babys. I am not taking Emma to story readings, I am not taking her to music lessons, but all the moms from my antenatal class take their babys - Do you know how this makes me feel? Guilty! But I just don't enjoy that. I would rather take Emma to the park. Emma loves the music and story reading classes, but I am sure she equally likes the park and the slides and the swings....at least I hope so! I love it, she must take that from me...hmmm...am I traying to convince myself here??!!!
Sorry for this long comment Shaloma.
Lia
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